These are some of the jokes from the archives of the list. Feel free to send your humor (sic) to the list itself, or forward them to [email protected] for inclusion here. Eventually, I'll get these indexed. Have you ever tried to define a key-word index for jokes?

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at him and asks what he can do for him. "Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately." The doctor said, "Well, I can see you are not eating right."

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his train in the living room. She heard the train stop, her son said, "All of you sons of %&$#^ who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of ?!@&$^ who are returning and want to get on, get your &!$& on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom andresumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue. "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the bitch in the kitchen."

• So, this guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."
• So, this skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."
• So, this termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tinder here?"
• So, these two strings walk up to a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
• So, this grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper smiles. "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
• So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
• So, a three legged dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
• So, a hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
• So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
• So, a guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said.
• So, two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a salted.
• So, two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite."
• So, two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yeah, I'm positive."
• So, a man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".  Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over, "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "Say what?" "Yeah," replied the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Rob had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Rob. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Rob, You're a veterinarian."